


Born To Die

by tricksterity



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, M/M, Samifer - Freeform, Telepathy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-04
Updated: 2013-03-04
Packaged: 2017-12-04 07:12:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/707991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tricksterity/pseuds/tricksterity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(a.k.a The Five Times Sam Talked To The Voice In His Head and Once It Talked To Him.)</p><p>So, here’s the thing: Sam’s always had a voice in his head.<br/>If you asked him the first time he heard the voice, or the first time he realized it was there, he couldn’t tell you. If you asked him how he knew the voice’s name was Luce, he couldn’t tell you that either. He’s just always had it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Born To Die

**Author's Note:**

> Don't ask me the logistics of this, I don't really understand it myself, just... enjoy.

So, here’s the thing: Sam’s always had a voice in his head.  
If you asked him the first time he heard the voice, or the first time he realized it was there, he couldn’t tell you. If you asked him how he knew the voice’s name was Luce, he couldn’t tell you that either. He’s just always had it. His Dad and brother always just assumed that it was an imaginary friend, or his conscience, and never thought of it otherwise. Sam knew that Luce wasn’t imaginary, and Sam also knew that he wasn’t crazy. He just knew that Luce was Luce and he was always there. Sam just didn’t know why. 

\--

1.

_Sam, what are you doing?_

What does it look like, Luce? I’m leaving. You’ve known about this for months.

_I didn’t think you’d actually go through with it, Sam. They’re your family – what bout Dean?_

Dean does everything Dad does, whenever he orders it and without question. What makes you think he’d stick up for me?

_He loves you Sam, this is breaking him apart._

Yeah well it really says something about how fucked-up our family is when the rebel of the family is the kid who wants to go to school and get a good education, Sam huffed angrily. He hitched his bag further up his shoulder and stuck out his thumb, wandering along the darkening road. Dean’d given up chasing him down the road about ten minutes back, and he’d already had to duck into the bushes once when he heard the roar of the Impala. He was seething with anger and he knew that Luce was right, the logical bastard, but Sam just couldn’t take it any more. The constant moving, the “it’s just temporary”, the obsession with the monster who killed his Mom, the new schools and being the new kid and knowing how to handle a gun at age eight… it was too much for him. This life was toxic and he had to leave. The growl of an engine came closer, and for a second Sam tensed, thinking that it was the Impala, and calmed down when a red Nissan pulled up next to him. Sticking his head in the window, the driver was a young woman in a hoodie and a smile.

“Where’re ya headed?” she asked.

“Palo Alto, Cali, or as far as you can take me,” Sam said.

“I can do that,” the woman said with a smile. Sam opened the door and lowered himself into the passenger seat, shutting the door behind him with a strange ring of finality.

_Are you sure about this Sam?_

I’m sure. 

\--

2.

_Sam? …Sam? Sam. Sammy? SAM! I- I’m sorry, Sam. I’m so, so sorry. You don’t deserve this. Not at all._

How am I supposed to go on without her?

_You’ve just gotta._

Why? Why does this have to happen to me? What have I ever done? All I’ve done is save people and be a good person, and the one person who I let into my life, and she… she…

_I know, Sammy, I know. Christ, I’m so sorry. She didn’t deserve this._

I should’ve told her.

_Told her about what? The dreams? That’s exactly what they were Sam – dreams. You weren’t to know that your fears would come true._

I should’ve told her about what I do. What I am. She wouldn’t be dead right now. She’d still be in my arms, eating cookies together and talking about my fucking interview that I’m supposed to have tomorrow.

_Even if you’d told her, there’s no chance she would’ve taken you seriously. Even if she did, how was she supposed to know? How were you supposed to know?_

I should’ve. She was my responsibility. I was supposed to protect her. 

_And you tried. And what you had was beautiful, and perfect, but she’s gone and it’s going to be hard from here on out, but the best thing you can do is take it out on some evil sons of bitches and kill the demon that got her._

I… I just want her back, Luce. I don’t even have the energy to get angry. I’m so tired. The one good thing I’ve ever had in my life, and she’s gone. Gone and never coming back and burned on the ceiling and her family’s all wondering what happened and they’re never gonna know and-

_Sam, you’re not alone. You’ve got me. You’ve got Dean. We’re going to help you through this._

What if I don’t want to get through this?

_What other choice do you ha- …no, Sam. Don’t even think about it. Don’t even go there._

Why not?

_Because I’m not going to let you. And Dean’s gonna do something stupid to bring you back. Please, Sam, don’t. You’ve got so much ahead of you. You’ll see her again one day, don’t worry. You’ll be up in Heaven with her, and your Mom, and probably John and Dean too. Until then, you’ve just got to get through this._

How, Luce? How?

_Take it one day at a time. Breathe. Fake a smile. Kill everything evil you come across._

I can do that, Sam thinks. He hauls himself off the curb and walks away from his apartment, towards the Impala. Away from Jess, towards Dean. He stands next to his brother and wipes the tears off his face, loads up a shotgun and throws it in the back.

“We’ve got work to do.”

\--

3.

_Sam, this entire thing is useless. Whatever you try and do to save Dean – it’s not going to work. His death is inevitable._

No! I can still save him, I’ve just got to get him through today and he’ll be fine! We’ll be out of the time loop and we can continue on.

_How many deaths has it been so far?_

…213. 

_And counting. Aren’t you sick of it, Sam? Please, you are destroying yourself trying to save him when obviously it isn’t going to happen. Please, Sam, stop. For me._

And you have to believe me, that I’m going to save him.

_But what if the thing that’s causing this has a point? What if it wants you to realize that whatever you do, no matter how hard you try, you’re never going to be able to save Dean? What if the entire point to this is realizing that it doesn’t matter how many crossroads demons you kill and how hard you hunt down Lilith, Dean is still going to die?_

Don’t you say that to me Luce, don’t you dare! You have always been with me, 100% of the way, trying to get Dean out of this stupid fucking deal, and now you’re just giving up??

_Sam, I’m thinking about this logically. Dean’s got, what, under 100 days left? That’s two-thirds of his time already gone. We’ve got nothing on Lilith and I don’t trust that demon. What if there’s nothing you can do to stop Dean from dying? You know I’m loath to admit it just as much as you Sammy, but-_

No. We are going to save him. And if you won’t help, then I’ll do it on my own.

_Sam-_

Are you with me?

_…Of course. You know I am._

Then we’ve got work to do, Sam thinks with a determined look. He hauls himself off the bed and smashes the clock radio playing _Heat of the Moment_ and looks up at Dean, smiling and nodding his head along to the music. He can save Dean from this time loop, he can save Dean from his deal, and he can save Dean from dying. He has to.

\--

4.

_Sam, what the fuck do you think you’re doing!? You… you’re going to do this? You’re going to drink her blood? This **demon’s** blood? Are you out of your mind? You know that’s what got your entire family into this mess – you and demon blood._

I know what I’m doing Luce, don’t fucking patronize me.

_Oh I’m not patronizing you Sam, I’m trying to stop you from doing something you shouldn’t! Don’t you dare drink that Sam, because once you start you won’t be able to stop until you’ve drunk so much you won’t recognize yourself._

I’m doing it for good; I’m not going to lose myself. Have a little faith in me, Luce. I can exorcise demons with this power, I can save the lives of the hosts! I can kill Lilith!

_And for what? Why do you need to kill Lilith? She’s an **arch** -demon, Sammy, she’s the first demon and the most powerful of them all. Dean’s back, and he’s alive, and you’ve got a fucking angel on your shoulder. Stop this stupid revenge streak and get out of this before it’s too late!_

I need to kill her because she’s the one holding all the contracts, and other people who’re making demon deals are being torn apart by hellhounds and tortured in the Pit exactly how Dean was. 

_And it’s their fault! Their choices to make the deals, and they deserve the consequences!_

And you think Dean deserved being torn apart by hellhounds and tortured for years upon years for saving my life??

_I think he knew exactly what he was getting into when he made that deal. Just like your father._

Don’t you dare bring my father into this! He was an asshole for leaving us and putting the pressure on Dean of the deal, and Dean was an asshole for putting that pressure on me! I’m not going to make anyone else go through what we did, ever again.

_And you think listening to a demon is going to help? Drinking her blood is going to help? Can’t you see how she’s manipulating you?_

I think she’s the only one actually offering a solution here, Luce.

_And I’m not? I’ve been telling you time and time again how to stop the seals from breaking, I’ve been giving you advice throughout your entire life and every time you know that you should’ve listened to me and you haven’t, and if you’ve ever needed to listen to anything that I’ve ever said, it’s this: do not go through with this, Sam. You won’t like where you end up._

…I’ve got no choice. 

_You’ve always got a choice._

And this time I don’t. Sam shakes his head and leans himself towards Ruby’s bleeding arm, the thin slice along her arm oozing a dark red blood that he brings his lips to and consumes, feeling the power run through him and thrum through his veins. 

\--

5\. 

_Sam, stop._

I can do this, Luce! She’s dying, pinned up against the wall, and I’m killing her, she’s dying, I’m killing Lilith, I can do this!

_Stop it now, please._

No! I can kill her! I’m strong enough, I can do this!

_Sam, I’m begging you. Walk away. Let her live._

Fuck no. Look at her, laughing as she dies, the stupid bitch. She killed Dean. She’s the reason he’s dead. I kill her, I stop the Apocalypse. It’s all worth it.

_No, you won’t Sam. You won’t stop anything._

SHUT THE FUCK UP, LUCE!

_Sam, for God’s sake – stop!!!_

…I did it… she’s dead… I’ve stopped the Apocalypse.

_No you haven’t, Sam. They played you. They all played you. Ever since before your mother was pregnant with you, they played you. You didn’t stop it, Sammy, you started it. Lilith was the final seal. You killed her…_

No! No… I…

_You’ve set me free._

WHAT?

\--

+1.

“Hello, Sam,” a familiar voice said. The voice that had been in Sam’s head his entire life. The voice that had always been there with him, through thick and thin, helpful and loving and caring and encouraging and always making sure he did right. Luce.

“I… Luce?” Sam gasped as he turned around and saw the figure in the middle of the convent. Tall, although not as tall as him, dirty blonde hair, sad blue eyes and a sympathetic smile on his face. “You… I…” he stuttered.

“It’s okay, Sam. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m not going to hurt anyone,” Luce said, putting his hands in his pockets and shrugging nonchalantly. 

“You… you’re Lucifer.”

“Yes.”

“The voice that’s been in my head my entire life, as long as I can remember… it’s been you all along.”

“Yes. I did warn you, Sam. I tried to get you to stop, and you wouldn’t listen. This is what happens when you don’t listen to me. I _told_ you,” Luce said with a slight smirk. The archangel took several slow steps towards Sam, who was gaping down at the blonde. 

“I won’t hurt you, Sam. Trust me. Do you think that I’d even be able to?”

Sam was shocked into silence, staring down at the very person who he’d trusted with his life, his opinions, his choices, his decisions so many times that occasionally he’d forgotten who he was and who Luce was, they were one. And now he was standing in front of him, physically there, and Sam reached out a shaky hand to touch Luce’s face. It was cool, and it felt slightly like touching a livewire.

“…Lucifer?” Sam stuttered, the archangel’s full name slipping out from between his lips like a too-sweet drink.

“Sam,” the devil replied with a smile. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

A smile appeared on Sam’s face as he swept the archangel up into his arms, clutching his fingers tightly into the fabric of his best friend’s shirt, feeling those strong arms surround him too, clutching the devil to his chest as though he were the only thing keeping him from floating away into space and beyond. He’d almost forgotten his brother was there, until he piped up.

“…Sammy? What the fuck is going on?” Dean inquired, and Sam pulled away with a smile on his face (the one with the dimples that Jess had always loved) and tears in his eyes.

“You know the voice I had in my head as a kid? Luce? Well… he never went away. This is him. Lucifer was the voice in my head, the best friend I’ve ever had. I trust him completely when he says he isn’t going to hurt anyone. Especially us,” Sam said with a grin and slightly shaky voice.

“It’s true, Dean. I’ve grown up with Sam, experienced everything he has and thought every thought he has. I’ve felt his love for you and for this planet, and I’m not going to destroy that,” Lucifer explained calmly. Dean looked at the devil, as shocked as Sam had been, and Lucifer smiled and held out his hand to Dean.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Lucifer.” 

Dean shakily gripped the cool hand and shook it. “Dean Winchester.”

Sam couldn’t wipe the stupid grin off his face as he pressed a kiss to Lucifer’s temple and nuzzled into the soft blonde hair. It was going to be strange not having Lucifer in his head anymore, but now he could touch him, and he was never going to let go.


End file.
